Sand in the Hour Glass

Well, I was sitting down to write this and realized that in a few short weeks it will be the anniversary of my first post on this blog. The irony is that I was going to write about reunions and the passing of time and such-so it only seems appropriate that it will be posted so close to that date!

I know I touched on reunions a bit last year since it was my 20th year out of high school and all. Well, this year seems to be bringing on all sorts of gatherings of the same magnitude. How is that when it comes time to see a group of people we haven’t seen in ages that the nerves take on a life of their own? Is it a female thing? There is an alumni reunion in August for all classes who graduated from my husband’s high school and I don’t see him standing in front of the mirror asking “do these jeans make my butt look fat?“ or fretting over the gray hairs in his head. Maybe guys think it but don’t verbalize it. Maybe they just don’t care. I only know that for me it has been a great struggle to decide whether to attend some of these functions or not. There are several of these types of gatherings this summer and fall and the thought of them elate me and make me want to retch at the same time..

I’m still grappling with why it is so hard to face these people again. Many are people who had lasting effects on me...some helped shape who I am today. Some helped me through tremendously hard times and some laughed with me for hours on end. All of them still warm my heart and put a smile on my face when I think of them...my old friends. Why on earth would I not want to see them again? Am I really so vain as to think that life’s toll on my external appearance would drive someone to the point of revulsion and disgust? Perhaps a part of me would crumble to imagine an old flame thinking ‘thank god I didn’t end up with that!” or an old chum assuming extra pounds equal a lazy individual. Usually when I get to this point I start getting angry at anyone who would judge me based on that rationale. That is until I realize that I am angry at someone who doesn’t exist because it is my own imagination conjuring these situations. I know I am not alone in these fears but I am getting to the point where I am coming to grips with things. I read an e-mail from an old friend lately who had a great outlook on life and aging and she is absolutely right.

Any part of my appearance that has changed is a reflection of the life I have led. The lines on my face are visible and deep but to paraphrase Jimmy Buffett, “the wrinkles will only go where the smiles have been“ and for me that is true. I have had a lot to smile about over the years. There are stray grays from time to time but at least I have hair on my head so that’s something to cheer about, right? Perhaps the extra pounds on my body (and there are many!) reveal that I have taken care of others instead of myself. This is not something I fully recommend but I wonder why I feel the need to carry it as such a shameful burden? Maybe our society has become such a judgmental one that I live in fear of what others will think. But if I know who I am than why should it matter? I don’t know the answer to that…people are what they are. As a species we are a dichotomy. If I were being honest with myself (not a regular occurrence) I would say that those in my past who never liked me probably still won’t. Those who knew me well and tolerated me will probably still be able to…and that if they all looked directly into my eyes they would probably still see the same girl, just a bit older and, by the grace of God, hopefully a bit wiser. Having come to that wise conclusion…I wonder if my psyche will still buy that when it comes time to get in the car and go to these events?

I guess I won’t know until the time comes but one thing I’ve learned is that life is short and these sweet moments don’t come along that often…hopefully I won’t blow it.

Quote of the Day- “At the age of 20, we don't care what the world thinks of us; at 30, we worry about what it is thinking of us; at 40, we discover that it wasn't thinking of us at all.” -author unknown