I woke up that sunny morning as usual…running behind. Trying to get my oldest daughter ready for an average , ordinary day at first grade. We didn’t have the TV on that morning. I sent my daughter on her way to the bus stop and waved as she climbed aboard and took her seat. I rushed back home to meet my walking buddy for our routine 2 mile walk. The day was beautiful, not too warm, not too humid, clear blue skies. My three year old climbed on her big wheel and we were off. Upon returning we stood chatting in my front yard. I began to hear a strange sound in the sky above me, a low pitched buzzing sound. From behind the tops of the tall trees emerged a large white blimp flying somewhat low. I shouted for my daughter to look up at the neat sight and my friend and I discussed why it would be in the area and flying so low…..I now know it was being grounded, as was every other aircraft in the US. My friend said goodbye and my daughter and I went inside. I had the doors and windows open and a cool breeze blew through. I poured a cold glass of water and sat down at my computer, checked for messages. There were a few, but only one that I remember-a joke that made me laugh out loud. I would end up saving this message because of the time and date stamped on it…9-11-01 7:25 a.m. The last hour of innocence. Who could have known?
It was about 10:15 when I finally turned on the TV. I saw a tall building with smoke billowing out. I noticed it was on quite a few channels but I must have timed it when none of the commentators were explaining what it was that was happening. Perhaps they were stunned speechless. I picked up the phone and called my Dad. When he answered I simply said “I just turned on the TV…” and he said he knew, he was watching too. I asked what was on fire and he said “It’s the World Trade Center in New York.” For a time I blamed my ignorance on being “geographically challenged” but I now know that the reason I didn’t recognize the Twin Towers is because there was only one building there. My father continued “Two planes hit it.” It simply wasn’t registering and I know I asked a string of dumb questions. In my mind, the only size plane I could imagine was a little Cessna or something and I remember thinking what a coincidence that two small planes could accidentally collide and in the process hit a skyscraper or two. I just didn’t get it. It was not in my capabilities to grasp what was happening. Did the planes crash to the ground? Was something wrong with one of the pilots? Had the people in the building been evacuated yet. Then my dad says “They are reporting now that a plane has crashed into the Pentagon too.” That’s when it began to sink in slowly……”You mean they are doing this on purpose?” The horror of that can’t be described. I remember Oklahoma City. I remember another sunny day in April of ’95. I was expecting my first child and I sat on the couch and stared at the TV in horror. I cried for the victims and their families and I cried even harder to hear that is was one of our own. And even having watched and grieved that event, I wasn’t prepared for September 11th, 2001 and I will never quite recover from it.
I hung up with my father and began to panic. My husband had flown to Canada on business the day before and was scheduled to fly home sometime later that Tuesday afternoon. He was flying in the company jet so I wasn’t worried that he was on one of the planes, but I knew this was serious and there were good chances that air traffic would cease. Other fears ran through me such as war and more terrorist maneuvers. I didn’t know how quickly or in what capacity it would all play out but I feared all borders would close and my husband wouldn’t be able to get home. It was only a short time later that air traffic did indeed shut down. And then I watched the standing tower collapse into dust in what seemed like slow motion. I sat in stunned silence until they began to replay the footage of the plane hitting the second tower. I never really believed I would live to see a day like this. I began trying to call my husband’s cell phone and miraculously got through. He was still at the plant in Collingwood, Canada…still working as he had been since early morning. It was close to 11 a.m. and he knew nothing of what was happening in our country, he hadn’t heard a thing. I told him I didn’t think he would probably be getting home that day. He said since they weren’t scheduled to fly home until later in the day that he would probably still get to come home. I knew then that he didn’t understand the magnitude of what was happening. How could he? I was standing in front of the TV with the proof in front of my eyes and still I didn’t get it. I told him that air traffic was at a stand still and probably would be for awhile. I told him that the borders might also close. We decided to check things out and get in contact later in the day. The rest of the day is both a numbing blur and clear as crystal. If I had to see those images on a daily basis for the rest of my life, I don’t think the shock would ever dissipate. Watching the second building go down live was an unspeakable moment. At times I sat silently, at times I sobbed, at times I was on my knees. I can truly say that so far in my lifetime, there has never been a time when I felt so helpless and so hopeless and so full of fear and uncertainty. It is an empty and hollow place to be. How will anything ever be the same again? Each time I watch those images replayed, each new angle of that plane hitting that building, the horror of it slices like a knife. I wonder how day to day activities will continue in a normal fashion, ever again? My eyes were swollen by evening and my head throbbed with the facts and estimates of the lost and dead. I can’t imagine the grief of the survivors, can't bring myself to even try and understand the pain of such tragedy and senseless loss.
My story isn't unique, isn't tragic, isn't anything. My husband was able to rent a car and get home safely within a day or two. I’m not from New York, I’ve never seen the Pentagon, I don't know anyone on any of the flights, in any of the buildings, or in any of the firehouses or police stations. I was, and simply am, an American who watched helplessly. But I lost something nonetheless on that September day. In the grand scheme of things it is a speck...but it is my speck to bear. Those images play over and over in my mind...and they play on an extreme amount of fear because I've lost the feeling that everything is okay. I am so naive, I thought that nothing like this could ever happen to us in this great nation. But like everyone says, the world changed that day. I sat and watched it….MY world and everything I thought to be true…it changed, live and right before my very eyes.
Written in late September, 2001
“The worst sorrows in life are not in its losses and misfortunes, but its fears.”-Arthur Christopher Benson
